“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
britain’s three elite institutions
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?