I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.