With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him