Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Stay in school.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.