ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas