[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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Just a phase…
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.