Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES