doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.