My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Hero horse inspires millions
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please