*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
british sex workers really pound for pound
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.