im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]