Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?