ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
You Might Also Like
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
All. The. Damn. Time.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Attacked by a mop.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over