Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.