Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
happy friday
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*