Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Namaste
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
There is no “we” in pizza
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.