Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17