Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”