The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You Might Also Like
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
😂😂😂