The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?