12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You Might Also Like
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.