Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Mornin
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.