so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My Guy
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it