A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!