me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”