Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt