[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no