People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Hit me in the face with a bird
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ