*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
never compromise your values
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
black phone good
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.