A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
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What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I hate everything