“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.