How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones