Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
You Might Also Like
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.