Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends