People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I saw nothing
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun