My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster