[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.