I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
is this a warning or an offer?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.