*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
CUTE CAT‼︎
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.