I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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Comparing yourself to others
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I only treason on days ending in y
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain