When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Noah was an idiot.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”