Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.