this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared