What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.