I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Siri, fight Alexa.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You