my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Feels
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.