Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.