People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Fight
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I just ran a .003048K
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff