[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
fourth time’s the charm
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.