it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Dear Lord..
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?